No, not who will win. You've all read that in countless articles already. Besides, I tend to have a gift for routing for people who don't win so I don't want to inadvertently curse someone. By my predictions, I mean what colossal blunders Joan Rivers will hit the stars with when she corners them on the red carpet. Val Kilmer has had my respect ever since he was asked what the highlight of the Oscars was for him and he responded with "avoiding Joan Rivers." Here we go...
**Also, spoiler space about Mystic River for my Tim Robbins entry, so PLEASE don't read that if you haven't seen Mystic River and don't want to know anything about the ending. I HATE when people spoil movies for me so I don't want to do that to you. Now, for real, here we go. . .
To Johnny Depp: "So tell me, how thrilled are you to be nominated for a foreign film in the best actor category?" (Either because he lives in France or because she thinks Caribbean being in the title means Pirates of the Caribbean is a little Jamaican film. Take you pick).
To Bill Murray: "So what made you come here tonight?" (Because she always asks that of someone who is nominated and since I think Bill is highly, HIGHLY undervalued I gave him the honor this year).
To Ben Kingsley: "Now Ben, it must be phenomenal to star in a movie about being a king." (Either because she thinks his last name means he's in "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" OR because he's been knighted as Sir and she thinks that means he and Queen Victoria are REALLY close now).
To Sean Penn: "So tell me, how is Madonna these days?" (Either because she's clueless or because he's now married to Robin Wright Penn whose blonde too and she hasn't noticed that it isn't Madonna yet).
To Jude Law: "Now, now Jude, where is that lovely wife Sadie? And how is Dame Judy?" (1: Nasty divorce, don't ask ANYTHING about Jude's marriage. Dame Jude Dench. . . Jude Law. I think you get the confusion).
To Charlize Theron: "Oh Charlize, what made you star in a horror film?" (Title is Monster so I don't think I need to elaborate).
To Diane Keaton: Something inappropriate about Jack Nicholson's body. I don't even want to think about it to elaborate. She always asks some inappropriate question that makes an actor uncomfortable.
To Naomi Watts: "Oh how nice to see you Renee!" (Did I mention she is bad with people's identities)? ;)
To Samantha Morton: *dead silence* "So, who designed your dress?" (I'm getting Joan isn't big on the indie loop).
To Keisha Castle-Hughes: "So what was it like to star with Viggo Mortenson." (Keisha's from New Zealand, Lord of the Rings was filmed there, Viggo was in Lord of the Rings).
To Tim Robbins: "So what was it like playing such a bad guy." (She's gotta spoil the ending of some movie).
To Benicio Del Toro: "Now Benicio, why is it you are so attracted to drug movies?"
(He was in Traffic and lots of people think 21 Grams is a drug reference).
To Ken Watanabe: *first she's gotta butcher his name* Then, "So tell me all about Tom Cruise." (Thus, completely, cluelessly pushing Ken's accomplishment aside).
To Djimon Hounsou: *dead silence* "So, who designed your tux?" (see Samantha Morton entry)
To Alec Baldwin: "So, how was it acting opposite your brother William (Baldwin)?"
(William H. Macy is in The Cooler)
To Renee Zellweger: *she'll elaborate on mistaking Naomi for Renee causing a second uncomfortable moment about the event*
To Holly Hunter: "Well, you're stunning, but how did you pass for 13?"
(Holly's up for the movie Thirteen playing the MOM of a 13 year old).
To Marcia Gay Harden: *thinking it came out this year* "So did you expect Pollack to be such a huge hit?"
(Marcia won for Pollack in 2001).
To Shohreh Aghdashloo: God help us all if she tries this name. "It must be so nice to see your country recently liberated from Saddam."
(Shohreh is from Tehran).
To Patricia Clarkson: "Great performance! Now does this mean you'll be making an appearance on Dawson's Creek with your costar Katie Holmes?"
(Dawson's was canceled a while back).
To Peter Jackson: "So what was it like directing John Astin?"
(SEAN Astin was in Lord of the Rings while JOHN Astin was Gomez Addams of The Addams Family tv show).
To Sofia Coppola: "So when will we get to see you act again?"
(Sofia was ridiculed for her role in Godfather 3 and has made it clear she never wanted to act to begin with).
To Clint Eastwood: *just insert your own obnoxious gushing & insinuations of being close friends here*
To Fernando Meirelles: "I am just so curious to ask you this. Why do you think Mel Gibson's film is getting so much religious criticism and your film has managed to avoid it?"
(Fernando is up for City of God which is about the slums of Rio de Janeiro).
To Peter Weir: "What was it like to direct a movie based on a fellow actor's books?"
(Peter is up for Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World which was based on Patrick O'Brian. Joan could be thinking Patrick Stewart, Sean Patrick Flanery, Patrick Dempsey, lord knows).